i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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