Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
