Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I need to align my fucking chakras
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I forget how to act sober
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
