I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
