he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
