I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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