he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
