her vagina looked like bernie madoff
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
