im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
