you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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