connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.