By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
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Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I will be naked everywhere
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
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things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill