I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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