Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
