All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
