Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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