I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
