You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
