I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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