DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
