I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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