My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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