Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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