New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
