TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
