i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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