he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
