Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
