When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
