ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
