I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize