so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
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It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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