70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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