I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So much rum. So many feels.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
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