if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
