Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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