I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We were destined to go to rehab together
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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