you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
