just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
