I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
