Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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