I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
