Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I want to fling myself into the sun
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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