her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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