I'm jealous of your bromance
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need to sanitize my soul.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
