Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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