break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
