Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
