she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
