he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
