Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
