I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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