If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
