I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
