I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
