last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
