I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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