Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
