Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
