Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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