PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
