No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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