At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
